I almost began this post with an apology for not writing anything for two months. But I'm not sorry, so I won't. The only person that's going to be mad at me is me. And I'm not. So there.
The last two months have been particularly trying. I know I'm not the first poker player in the world to go through a downswing, but it's the first one for me since I made the decision to work towards doing this for a living. And after the massive upswing I had during the first couple months of the year, the negative effect has been exponentially bad. Briefly, out of the first 14 sessions of the year I had only three losing sessions, whereas out of the last 12 sessions I've had only three winning sessions. My bankroll now sits at a measly one and a half buy-ins.
I suppose I can stand it. Poker income is not (yet) what my livelihood depends on. But I've let the downturn at the tables mess with my head in regards the rest of my life, and that's turned into one big negative snowball.
I almost quit my job at the bar. Through a series of (fortunate) circumstances I ended up not quitting. But what would have happened if I had? I probably would have just found another job at another bar dealing with another group of drunks and cheapskates and incompetent co-workers. The truth is, the job I have is pretty sweet. I make insanely consistent money, the regulars are great, and I only work three days a week. I let my frustration with my poker game magnify the "problems" I had at my day job. I realize now just how dire the situation would have been if I'd actually quit. Yes, I have money in the bank. But the last time I left a bar job, I couldn't find another one for almost six months. I don't have that much money in the bank. Luckily, what happened happened and my head is on straight in regards to the bar job. I just have to keep reminding myself that the bar is not the end, it is a means to an end.
About a month ago I sat down with my financial planner/life coach (read: Mom) and we worked out a schedule. We figured out a good balance of work, poker, poker study, writing, exercise, and fun. We also worked out a grocery shopping and cooking schedule. Yes, I have to be that detailed, because if I'm not, I lose focus and the whole thing goes to shit. Well, I did really well for a week. Then the whole thing went to shit.
They say it takes three weeks to change or create a habit. After seven days the schedule was toast. I can't really pinpoint where and when it started to falter, but I know how my brain works, and there were probably a couple days when I let one or two things slide and then it became increasingly easier to let other things slide. Then the whole thing slid. It slid right down the hillside and ended up in the creek, washed away.
This is probably the scariest part of this whole endeavor: my brain. I honestly don't know if I have the discipline to maintain the lifestyle I'll need to maintain in order to make this whole poker thing work. I don't know that I have the discipline to play my best game all the time and not spew my entire bankroll when I'm running bad. I feel like I'm more Stu Ungar than Daniel Negreanu.
The frustration is that as much as I want to make these changes, I'm not doing it. I'll still go get fast food when I should go to the store and buy chicken and vegetables and breakfast stuff for the week. Instead of going to the gym, I'll turn off my alarm and convince myself that the extra two hours of sleep will do me good. Then two hours turns into four and it's time to get ready for work. Oops. I should be writing on a semi-daily, if not daily, basis, but when Epic Poker filed for bankruptcy protection right after publishing an article of mine (that can still be found here, for what it's worth) I lost a lot of my enthusiasm for blogging. I guess, just like my poker game at the beginning of the year, I got a little too much success a little too quickly.
I know these things won't come easily. I guess it's a little scary for me, though, because 1) I've never had to work terribly hard to be successful at most things in my life, and 2) I've run from the few things that did get difficult: college, restaurant management, and relationships.
I recently read a quote that really struck a chord with me, even though I can't remember where I saw it or who said it. It reads (paraphrased), "A year from now, you'll wish you started today." Damn. If that ain't the truth, I don't know what is.
So, if you'll excuse me, I must be off. Time to go to bed so I can wake up a little earlier tomorrow and begin my new life. Because I don't want to, one year from now, wish I'd made these changes; I want to be glad I made them.
